Unfair Questions: Do Good Women Exist?

People ask me all sorts of questions, many of them strange or dubious or otherwise fascinating.  I’d like to record some of the questions and my answers to them for your entertainment, disgust, or casual indifference.

I was recently asked about my opinion on women, which happens at fairly regular intervals because of my remaining single for the past few years after previously enjoying relationships.  Some folks inevitably wonder what changed in my life or what changed in the rest of the world to account for such a mind-boggling situation as an eligible man choosing to remain single when he doesn’t have to.

One of the questions I thought was most interesting was essentially, “Do you think that there are no good women anymore?”  I had to really think about that question, and not just because I’m suspicious of the premise of the question.  Part of the problem is that I don’t evaluate my potential relationship success with women by capriciously and unfairly assigning them to a Bad or Good list.  I don’t choose not to have a romantic relationship with a woman because she’s “not good enough”, primarily because that’s simply not the sort of judgement I make to aid my decision-making process. 

I make my decision based on assessments of our mutual compatibility in terms of values, personality, energy level, interests, and many other factors after I have enough information to make such an assessment.  It’s a complicated process that has definitely saved me from many bad relationships and possibly inadvertently saved me from a couple of good ones as well.  No process I design is perfect, after all.

Now that everyone knows that I put way too much thought into my normal life decisions, let’s go back to the question.  As a matter of opinion, do I think that there are no good women anymore?  The answer to that is definitely in the negative.  I think that there are many good women, and the number of them really doesn’t impact my choice to remain single either positively or negatively. 

The problem for me in finding women who are compatible with me is precisely that they are good women insofar as they manage to sort out what that means from the wildly conflicting values and behaviors suggested to them by various cultural institutions as being definitive of a good woman.  In short, many good women have, with the best of intentions, quite assiduously sought to live up to our society’s expectations of them.  Unfortunately, those expectations are really fucked up in a variety of ways which I won’t belabor in this post.  Finding women who are compatible with a man like me who has deeply counter-cultural values and an unusual personality type is no easy task.  This issue of culture and values happens to be especially pronounced among women in my age group, hence a large contributor to my singleness.

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13 Responses to Unfair Questions: Do Good Women Exist?

  1. QuantumStorm says:

    Excellent thoughts. Having a stringent selection process is critical for relationships these days, especially if you’re a man and considering marriage. I don’t have much respect for the idea that one can experience “love” at first sight or that love was a process meant to involve us flinging ourselves around at random. If our love for our spouses was meant to reflect the love that Christ had for His Church, then it would involve not just our hearts but our minds, too. And I think involving the intellect in decisions of love is useful regardless of what faith one is, ya know?But then, getting people to think, AT ALL, is such a challenge these days. I don’t know if you run into this much but when people hear my thoughts on marriage, they assume that I don’t believe good women exist, which is not true at all. I can’t help but wonder, though, if that sort of knee-jerk reaction is just the result of cultural conditioning, much like people assuming you’re gay/asexual/axe-murderer because you’ve been single for so long.

  2. Nous_Apeiron says:

    @QuantumStorm – Yeah, the “love at first sight” line is a joke that is often meant seriously.  Whereas the “lust at first sight” line is often meant as a joke that is pretty accurate.I think it is a good idea to involve our minds, and I think that one of the benefits of having the assistance of family in vetting potential spouses is that you can get input from people who care about you but aren’t going though the emotional roller coaster ride of falling in love and are thus somewhat better at thinking about the situation clearly.  I think a lot of folks neglect to take advantage of that benefit when they have it, and all in the name of love (a concept which they usually don’t even understand yet).

  3. galadrial says:

    You know…it’s more than the obvious question.People CHANGE…because life changes them.People meet…find attraction, compatibility…even love. They plan lives together. But you honestly don’t know what curve balls life will toss…or how either of you will react to them. I’ve watched other couples in my life…and things happen that are honestly beyond your control. You plan a family…but most people expect a healthy, normal baby. I’ve worked with special needs kids and their families—and very few survive intact. There is anger and anguish…the desire to BLAME someone. That kills relationships.I had two car accidents in 9 years. Both resulted in me needing spinal surgery. My lawyer told me that in accident cases, when a spouse is badly injured, it does immense damage to the marriage. Yes, the deal is “in sickness and in health”. But I can tell you from experience that the day you realize someone is with you not because they WANT to be, but because they feel obligated? A part of you dies. My point is that you can start out well suited…and things can still go wrong. I was with one man for 30 years.The first ten, we were the envy of all our friends. We had connection, and similar goals and ideals.The second ten was when things started to change…suddenly i didn’t have a partner. I felt like a single parent, and felt neglected. He resented every moment I spent with the child he told me was a deal breaker before we married. I had to think on it for almost three years before I could make that sort of commitment. We were married three years before she was born. He had me to himself for a decade…but transitioning into parenthood just didn’t work for him.I do not hate him.But I left him three weeks ago…because it was killing me to stay in a marriage where the only thing holding it together was a promise he wished he never made. Does that make me a “bad woman”?

  4. AmorVomnia7 says:

    For all the cynicism I have towards women, I have to say that this sums up how I feel a bit better than just plainly saying “most women are bad”. Most women aren’t bad. They’re just not compatible with me. And it’s largely because they have adopted what I consider to be toxic social norms (as have men IMO; so I understand a woman’s avoidance towards relationships as well). With that said, plenty of women are compatible with me on a friendship level. But there’s far too much bullshit involved with getting into a relationship with most women. Their expectations are dumb and built far more towards the one-night stand type of relationship rather than the long-term deal… All while expecting the long-term deal from men. It’s asinine and it plays a huge role in divorce rates and broken relationships. And while most women are capable of being pleasant on the surface, they have an underside of misandry which has not only infected the minds of women to vast degrees, but also men as well who have internalized their own sexes’ disposability.

  5. PPhilip says:

    “love at first sight” or a marriage made in heaven…..both part of the instant gratification promise that really if investigated must be a myth.@galadrial – I could say that it is fate or uncontrollable factors…glad that you wrote it in a compact way.@Nous_Apeiron – Marriage matchmaking services supposedly do all the compatibility crunching but maybe the local matchmaking services are done better because they do have a cultural clue into what works.@AmorVomnia7 – I wonder if there is a detoxing social service center to send some of the “bad women”?I suppose if they do not want to go, then they are probably truly a lost cause. Would being a mama’s boy be a major factor in why men are really bad? I would guess that men who have no means of support is a major reason why men are not good men……

  6. AmorVomnia7 says:

    @PPhilip – I really have no idea what you’re talking about.

  7. PPhilip says:

    @AmorVomnia7 – I guess you are talking about the friendship level is an easy part to treat or handle. The inner compatibility level is just too intimate (and very likely unfixable) and personal.For instance financial habits is a personal thing. Some women are frivilous and don’t care about spending a lot of money that is not earned by themselves.Styling habits are less obtrusive at times but I can see if a woman wants to redecorate a man’s place there is a lot of potential conflict.

  8. AmorVomnia7 says:

    @PPhilip – To some extent that’s what I’m talking about.I just got a little lost on the whole detoxing social service thing.

  9. PPhilip says:

    @AmorVomnia7 – Well a lot of women are great as public showcase wives but as a true wife they can be complete failures. I wonder how many husbands and wives sleep in separate bedrooms…..?Ideally a woman that you bring into your life will cause synergy, where the interaction causes more benefits than drawbacks.

  10. Nous_Apeiron says:

    @AmorVomnia7 – Good insights.@galadrial – I think you make a great point about what happens after the love and compatibility issue has been settled and you’re in it for the long haul.  I’ve experienced my parents divorcing twice, and in neither case would I say that my mother or my father or my stepfather was a “bad woman” or “bad man”.  I tend to think that they’re just human like the rest of us.  I’m sorry to hear that your marriage didn’t work out, and I hope you all come out of the situation as healthy and happy as possible.I think that trying to determine our worth based on cultural conceptions of what it means to be a member of our gender inherently imposes upon us a dangerously oversimplified and often ill-fitting set of metrics which we will inevitably fail to live up to…to one degree or another.@PPhilip – I think you’re on the right track when it comes to cultural clues.  Culture shapes our values, and shared values are incredibly important for the success of a marriage.

  11. galadrial says:

    @PPhilip – Pardon me Phillip…but generalizations do not help. My husband spend a fortune on his hobbies—wood working, motorcycles—while I was doing home dentistry do stay in our budget. Men spend plenty.

  12. shadow320 says:

    @galadrial -Of course you’re not ‘bad’ because you couldn’t make it work.  You tried & for much longer than most would have done.  I think you understand that people aren’t disposible.  The problem with Nous’ post is he is trying to understand women from a male point of view.  Men & women think differently.  You can’t judge a woman by male standards any more then you can judge a man by women’s standards, hense all the problems.  Men are straight foreward & linear.  They get upset, they tell it like it is & they get over it.  Women are indirect.  They want men to think about & figure out what’s wrong by themselves.  They are verbal & good at seeing things from all sides.  They rarely tell you directly what is on their minds and almost never tell all of it.  Because of this they take much longer to get over things & will rehash the same argument over & over again.  They don’t do this to be irritating.  They do this because that’s how women think & process information.  It helps them put all of the pieces together.  Example: a man stays out late.  He tells his friends he went to the bar & got a flat tire on the way home.  His men friends will accept his story until something causes them to question it.  His women friends will play 20 questions.  Why?  They need more information.  That’s just how it is, we just think differently.   

  13. galadrial says:

    Men are DIRECT?Linear thinkers?Pardon…but you are generalizing all over the place.Some men are…but from 52 years of life, I can promise you that MANY are not.They engage in magical thinking as often as women…but they do so in a different direction.Women ask questions to show interest, and get called “nosy”. The lesson? Stop asking…and then you are indifferent, and don’t care.And see things from ALL sides? You are kidding me right?When my linear thinking  143 IQ husband said to me “Well we don’t have THAT in my family” when our daughter was diagnosed with a birth issue, what do you THINK he was saying? Oh wait…he was having an emotional response…and accusing ME of being defective, and passing the defect to his child. Instead we both had a very rare chromosome…something that doctors TOLD him…but he was too damned judgmental to accept. So please…try that on someone who didn’t live with a man for 30 years…

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